Breaking Free from People-Pleasing: Understanding, Overcoming, and Putting Yourself First
“People pleaser” is a description that most of us have heard before. While there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to make the people we love happy, when the price is our well-being, people-pleasing can have harmful effects. Whether or not you describe yourself as such, people-pleasing can leave you feeling lonely, misunderstood, and unimportant.
What exactly is people pleasing? Merriam-Webster describes people pleasing as “a person who has an emotional need to please others, often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.” While caring about others is generally a good thing, when it consistently comes at the expense of our well-being, it can be a problem.
What are some characteristics of people pleasing?
Going out of your way to avoid conflict, even when it comes at the expense of feeling your voice isn’t heard. This may include difficulty with saying “no” or fear of voicing your own opinion.
Feeling deeply uncomfortable when others are angry with you.
Feeling responsible for other’s emotional well-being & the actions of others, even when these are completely out of your control.
Frequently apologizing for and feeling guilty about things that are likely not your fault.
Feeling as if your needs and wants are less important than the needs of others.
Being deeply in tune with the emotional states of others, to the point that their emotions rub off on you.
Agreeing with the opinions of others out loud, even if you have a completely different opinion.
People pleasing or fawning is often a response to trauma. We develop this response as a result of situations where we need to be aware of and mitigate the emotional state of those around us. Childhood trauma & neglect, where you feel emotionally or physically unsafe around attachment figures, such as parents or guardians, can cause these patterns to emerge over time.
Although we may leave such situations behind us as adults, these learned patterns can prove difficult to break free from. If you find yourself over engaging in any of the above behaviors, no matter how hard you try to put your needs first, therapy can help. Together, we can identify the patterns that are holding you back & discuss options such as EMDR for processing past trauma & moving forward into a healthier and more resilient place. Your needs matter.
Change in any form can be uncomfortable. Choosing to put ourselves first can ultimately lead to feeling more fulfilled and understood. Reach out today with any questions you may have or for a free consultation.
I’m Amanda Parmley, MA, LCMHC, a therapist who specializes in working with adults navigating anxiety, trauma, and low self-esteem. I offer online & in-person appointments at Carolina Beach, NC. Interested in learning more? Reach out today: